the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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