saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
