My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just found puke in my bra..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
