Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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