we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
