the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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