she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
