We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
