I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
