I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
