we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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