So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
