In the future we'll all be gay
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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