I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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