You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
