I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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