I can text with my tongue
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
