dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
