Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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