made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
