oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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