I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
