So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
