my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
