Three words: puerto rican gang bang
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
