I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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