I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
