The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Randomize
