So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
