Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
