dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
