well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We need to get me chipped asap
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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