RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
