No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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