woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
