Do you still have your period?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
