Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
