Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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