All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
