We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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