I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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