what day is it and did you see me today?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
