i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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