i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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