Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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