Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
