I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
