I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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