Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You ruined the universe
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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