A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
