went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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